A Journey Through Insecurity
It happened last night — the confrontation. The one that had been building for a month, triggered by a lighthearted, seemingly insignificant conversation. Isn’t that how it always seems to go — it’s the small things, the seemingly trivial details, that become representative of gaping divides between people.
I felt dismissed, and so I went silent. He asked me if I was mad. I said no. He asked me if I was annoyed. I said yes. The pause lingered.
“He’s confused about why I’m so upset,” I think to myself. And so I pause once more before I finally say it. All of it. Everything that’s been building up inside me long before meeting this person. I speak of elitism, of being triggered, of feeling like I have to constantly prove myself. Sure, it’s about him. But it’s also so, so much more.
And then, as the dust settles, as the initial reactions subside, I can feel it yet again: debilitating insecurity. It’s been clouding my perspective for months now, has become the lens through which I perceive myself, others, and the world around me.
I notice the thought appear:
“You can’t admit how insecure you are.”
Which is when I realize I have to say it. To him, yes, but to myself. To admit it yet again, for the hundredth time.
So what is it all about, this insecurity that’s not only hindering my life and personal development but my relationships as well?
It’s been hard to pinpoint exactly what’s at play during moments like these. I know it revolves around turning 30, not having a clear direction or career. But it’s also a grappling with what it is that I envy in those who incite these feelings in me…
It’s a fear that my life is not worth admiring, that I’m lacking in ambition, that I’m not having enough of an impact on the world, that I have too much free time, that I should be doing MORE, such as creating, volunteering, helping, learning, doing.
The general, oversimplified crux of my insecurity is a sense that I’m not doing enough. Which is amusing, because a couple of years ago, I was struggling with the idea of simply being. The thing is, when it comes to society, doing is glorified and being is looked down upon— an excess of free time is an indication of a less valuable life.
I start writing down the words I’ve heard to describe others that are like a gut punch to my self-esteem:
hardworking, successful, ambitious, busy, moving & shaking…
These become the mental arsenal through which I attack myself, the qualities I hold against myself as proof that I am in fact lacking.
We talk again, me and this guy. We both share (mostly me), and we begin to diffuse. The blame subsides, and what’s left is pain. Crippling pain, as though someone is gripping my heart — I can hardly believe how hard it is for me to confront this insecurity. And to then realize I don’t know what to do with it.
And so I read. I read about the culture of busyness, about ambition, about what it means to be successful.
I wish I could say I came to an enlightened state by the end of it all, but despite finding a semblance of clarity, I could also recognize that the answers to my questions wouldn’t necessarily come easily or quickly.
I’m still divorcing the problematic elements of our workaholic culture from the positive aspects of being driven and ambitious. Because I want to have purpose, I want to make a positive impact on the world, I want to use my gifts and skills for good. But I struggle with exactly how to do this.
And then I remind myself that I’ve spent the past year rebelling against a productivity-oriented culture. That this place I’m in now is a product of intentional decisions on my part, a deliberate opting out.
So I wonder: where do I fit into it all? Because I have no desire to become a “busy” person. But I do want a full life, one in which I engage in personal growth & achievement, community endeavors, creative pursuits, health & wellness, exploration... while recognizing I might never achieve them all simultaneously.
I also have to be honest with myself that my low self-worth and unwillingness to offer myself unconditional love and acceptance won’t go away with a career, a project, an accolade. This sense of unworthiness has been with me even during times of external “success.” It just so happens that these feelings are hitting me at a time when society might deem me a “slacker.”
“Relationships are the most important part of life.”
My dad’s been telling me this for years. And I’m reminded of it when I read something similar in an article about long-term life satisfaction.
And yet, the value of relationships is far from the forefront in society. Seek that promotion, get a side hustle, pursue your passion project, follow your heart… these are the suggestions for living a fulfilled life in the US.
So where’s the emphasis on nurturing relationships, on making time for those most important to you, on putting the people you care about first (even if it hinders external success)?
I say all of this because I have to remind myself that I do have value.
That I haven’t spent the past year wasting away. That I’ve been nurturing relationships, especially the one with myself. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever spent so much time alone, isolated, with myself. And that time has been powerful, insightful, and often quite hard.
I remind myself that free time is not inherently wasteful. And that I have done things as well, even if they “pail in comparison” to my peers. Because every situation, every decision comes with a benefit and a sacrifice. So if I’m going to focus on the downsides of my decisions, I better acknowledge what I’ve gained from them as well.
So here I am now, trying to focus on learning, taking note of the qualities in others that make me feel insecure. Because getting curious allows me to understand more about myself, what I’m craving, what my subconscious is signalling I want more of. While continuing to recognize that some of these pings of insecurity are not mine at all but have given to me by society.
It’s tricky territory to navigate, this trying to figure out what a positive sense of productivity and ambition means as I continue to question what it is I actually want as opposed to the desires I hold as a means of proving myself to society?
And so I continue on, trying to take it one step at a time, to not take it all too seriously or spend too much time in my head. Because at the end of the day, it’s all practice, right?
