I Have No Idea What I’m Doing… (Part 1)
Apparently making a dramatic life shift, like switching careers (or in my case, beginning a career), can be a challenging transition to make. When I came to the conclusion at the beginning of this year that at the age of 28 I was finally ready to commit to building a career, I was filled with blind hope as to how that process would go. I mean, I have a college degree, ambition, and enthusiasm… what else would I need??
Months later, after numerous false starts and ample rejection, my perspective has shifted. I’ve been brought back down to earth, realizing that embarking on a worthwhile career path is one of the most challenging and significant elements of this whole adult thing. And apparently three years of floating from one short-term situation to the next doesn’t exactly build the strongest resume.
Oh, humility, how you find me time and time again. Cause here’s the kicker: I truly thought I was special, above the struggle — that I wouldn’t have to go through the same hassle most people go through to find footing in a career. Because while I was in the midst of a journey of self-discovery, many of my friends and peers were working their way through entry level/starter jobs, seeking a path that would lead them to heightened fulfillment or income (or if they’re lucky, both).
[I want to take a moment to make it clear that I’m not bashing the path I’ve taken — more so acknowledging my lack of understanding towards the degree with which it’d hinder my reentry into the working world.]
I figured I would engage with the right formula of self-help books and entrepreneur podcasts to bypass all the extra hassle most people endure; that with enough determination, passion, and insight, I’d fast track my way into my ideal work situation.
Now, as I continue to work through dejection, disappointment, and frustration, I’m growing to accept that reality will not align with my expectations.
(Full disclosure: I’m still holding out hope for the job fairy to come down and provide me with my ideal job.)
As I stroll down this path of adulthood, one which I only truly committed to about a year ago, I realize that so much of success is simply continuing to put one foot in front of the other, accepting current conditions, and making small, consistent improvements.
The immature part of me wants change to come as soon as I decide I’m ready for it. I expect life to get in line with my desires. I believe that being a good person earns me the right to make special demands (why volunteer, eat healthy, exercise, etc. otherwise??).
But time and time again, life reminds me that this is not how it works. That being a good person is a reward in and of itself. And that life not matching my desires doesn’t free me from the responsibility of living a life of integrity.
With each struggle I encounter, such as my recent health problems, as I open up about it, I find I’m not alone. There are young adults all around me (such as my boyfriend or best friend) and parents of young adults who echo my concerns over finding a job that’s both fulfilling and pays the bills. And so I realize more and more to what extent I’m truly not so special. I realize for the umpteenth time that the struggle is an indivisible part of the journey (ugh), an ongoing part of being a human being. Yesterday it was my health problems, today it’s finding a job, and tomorrow… well let’s not think about it. Maybe it’ll be wondering what to do with all my extra money once I finally land that dream job :p
Life is full of change, transition, uncertainty. To quote a friend “Change is always good… eventually.”
Much like the conclusion I reached while coping with chronic pain, I remind myself that if I only create a space for happiness when life aligns perfectly with my ideals, when I’m completely free of struggle, angst, and uncertainty, then that only allows for a small window of happiness in my life. So the other option is resilience, gratitude, appreciation, and staying present.
Does an attitude shift mean fear leaves me? No. Does checking my lack of humility mean I stop hoping for the stars to align? No. Does finding peace today mean I’ll have it tomorrow? Unfortunately not.
But it does inspire me to continue to trudge along, trying my best, taking action, and letting go with a little bit more grace.
Cause have y’all heard that getting a good job is hard? Because let me tell you, it kind of sucks.
For more existential ramblings, you can check out my blog.
