Instagram Envy
Sometimes I feel as though my dominant reason for checking Instagram is to gauge how satisfied I am with my life. As though such a superficial comparison to my peers is the ultimate gauge of how successful of a human I am.
If you ask my boyfriend, he’ll express his exasperation over my repeated deleting and re-downloading of the app.
If you took a photo of me, threw a filter on it, and posted in on Instagram, it would immediately make the experience seem exponentially cooler to me. That’s how much of a sucker I am for the aesthetic of an experience over the reality.
But it doesn’t end with Instagram. Oftentimes conversations feel the same way — a means of gauging how I add up to another person’s life experience, tallying the ways in which they’re mastering life better than me. I listen for if they’re healthier, more creative, more civically involved, more hardworking, more passionate, funnier, more intellectual… And then I turn it against myself, holding myself accountable to all the ways in which I’m falling short.
Needless to say, it’s a pretty toxic way to assess my value.
My ideal self is able to appreciate the accomplishments and characteristics of others without it being a reflection of my own self-worth. And sometimes that’s the case. But oftentimes it’s not.
“The most counterproductive thing you can do is compare yourself to others.”
I remember this advice being offered to me around the age of 20 when I was interning at the state capitol. It seemed hyperbolic to me at the time, but the older I get, the more I see how much comparison shapes self-perception. Which, for the record, I don’t think is inherently bad.
Comparison can serve to inspire, to trigger desires and ambitions that’d been lurking deep inside us previously untouchable. Seeing what others accomplish can help guide us closer to who we wish to be.
But then there’s the other side of it, which is epitomized by my boyfriend:
“I don’t feel dissatisfied with my life until I hear about what my peers are doing.”
A significant portion of the time I spend comparing myself to others, it’s over something I’d been previously unconcerned about, creating a sense of lacking that isn’t genuine. Like when a friend tells me about a creative endeavor, and voice in my head starts commenting on my lack of writing. Or when someone orders a salad, and I start obsessively inventorying what I’ve eaten that day.
There’s nothing wrong with the desire to write more or to be more intentional with what I eat, but I realize more and more that it depends on what prompts it. Because I want to make adjustments according to that internal compass I call intuition instead of being guided by a bunch of “should”s that are a recipe for resentment.
I should eat more salads. I should go to the gym at least 4 days a week. I should be a better communicator. I should write more if I’m going to call myself a writer. I should watch less TV and read more.
That’s all a bunch of BS and leads to a pretty miserable existence. Times when I’ve gotten most closely to achieving who I should be are times when I’ve been overly serious and not very pleasant to be around (especially or myself). Life becomes something to be achieved instead of something to be experienced. And I become someone who constantly has to prove my worth.
A friend and coworker once told me,
“I find change is only sustainable when prompted for a positive reason, not a negative one.”
And that touches on the crux of my comparison dilemma — am I inspired or insecure?
There’s a common mantra floating around the mindfulness community that iterates, “I am enough. Right now, exactly as I am.”
This concept perplexes my ego. Because it simply doesn’t ring true most of the time. I’ve never felt good enough. Even in the rare moments when I meet my high expectations.
Which is all the more reason to let go of the should’s. If I’m never going to add up to my ego’s expectations, maybe the answer is to listen to a different voice?
Easier said than done -__-
But I guess it’s all a work in progress anyway, right?
If you’ve got some time to kill, feel free to read more.
