Learning to Write Again

I’m making a declaration to the world (insofar as this tiny slice of internet represents the “world”) but mostly to myself to re-commit to my writing.

I went through a breakup of sorts a few months ago, and since then, many parts of me went into dormancy, into hiding.

A large part of that was my creative, expressive self. Along with my sense of personal power and ownership.

I pulled 2 tarot cards today that capture this sentiment, this loss: the reversed Two of Wands & the reversed Chariot.

tarot deck: Modern Witch Tarot

If you’re familiar with tarot, you may have you own interpretation of these cards, but for me, they represent blocked energy around personal power and a sense of direction.

I was gifted a message in relation to this lack of direction and vision, which is to align my actions and goals with my values.

I recently had a knee jerk reaction to feeling lost, which was in the form of applying to jobs with little consideration as to if I actually wanted them. I had awoken with enthusiasm and a sense of renewed energy, and the moment I started engaging with the job search and applications, I felt a veil fall over me.

Now, I see this as an invitation to, as my partner said, “To cast a further net.” To invite myself to dream bigger and further than the little box I’ve been offered by society. To try to step out of being motivated by fear and scarcity, and to see what’s on the other side when I’m navigated by hope and abundance.

Listening to the podcast How to Survive the End of the World, hosted by the Brown sisters, I am reminded of that which we have been robbed of in this very sick, imbalanced, dysfunctional society. Which is the ability/desire/capacity to dream. To dream of a life that does not feel burdensome on an individual level or oppressive on a societal level.

I’m reminded that in order to create a world that we want to live in, it’ll require a radical reimagining, one in which we step outside the realms of reality and explore the dream world as seriously and intentionally as if it were tangible.

I reject the inclination to be my own worst enemy, to be the limiter of my capacities, or to do or be anything but fully alive and engaged in this life.

And there is SO much freaking fear in trying truly and deeply. So much potential for rejection and humiliation. So much that I’ve worked to protect myself against during my 30 years on this earth.

But also so much that has been lost in the process.

So I’m here, declaring into the ether that I will try yet again with the knowledge that failure is inevitable, but more so, helpful.

I will continue to step out of the binary that pits failure against success instead of in conversation with. Or that views mistakes as in opposition to perfection instead of interwoven within it.

I am here, scared of trying to fully live and yet terrified of the alternative.

I can no longer walk through this world half-embodied, half-engaged, half-hopeful.

May this be a spell and a prayer that I whisper to myself (and hopefully eventually yell):

A reluctant optimist, I use writing to talk myself down from the perpetual threat of existential crises. https://beckitabrown.tumblr.com/ https://w